(Break+Make) Man = A * in U

It was third day of the first semester of an engineering college. A guy comes to the class late by 5 mins and asks for permission. He sees an empty row on the right side of the classroom and occupies it silently. Then a bunch of girls enters the classroom and asks the only guy sitting in the row to move in. The guy without uttering a word gets up from the seat and leaves the place for the girls to sit and goes to the last bench in the class. The reason is coz of the guy almost never had an experience of talking to girls and was very shy to speak to them. He had done his studies till 12th in a boy’s boarding school which was almost outside the city and with no interaction to the outer world. Everything was available in the school campus with no necessity for the guy to go outside the school campus.It was Me :)
In the mid of the second year of my engineering, my friend introduced me to the world of chatting. Sharing things with unknown people without even seeing them was very exciting. I got so much addicted to it that I never missed chatting even a single day. I remember, many times I went outside the college to a browsing centre to chat when the internet was down. Then came the 3rd semester exams and I could manage well with my studies and chatting also until there was a paper which almost killed me. I was quite confident of that paper as I had listened well to the lectures in the class. It was Data Structures paper. I had never opened the book even once, not even during the internals. It was only the classroom lessons and internals had gone pretty well. I had a friend who studied only on the day before the exam sitting all through the night and had faired pretty well. I was quite excited about doing it, I wanted to give it a try at least once, so wanted to experiment that with this paper. I never touched the book even during the day time. I just thought that a day before the paper I will open the book and brush up the concepts. It was 6:00PM and I opened the book to read. As I started to read it I felt quite difficult to understand the concepts written in the book. The implementation of the concepts explained in the book was quite different from the way it had been taught in the class.
There was a buzz that we have to write according to the book in the exams. So i tried hard to understand the initial pages of the book. I had hardly finished the 10 pages of the book and the clock rang 10:00PM. Yes, it was time for me to go and chat. My roommate warned me not to go, but I ignored and went ahead. Finished chatting by 12:00 and returned back to room. Along with friends went to have a cup of coffee to get rid of sleep as we had planned for a night out. Came back from night canteen and started reading the book. After struggling to understand the initial pages I had started to understand the other chapters. It was 3AM in the morning and I had hardly covered 50% for the paper. Then I along with my friend went for a walk in the night. After coming back from the walk, I hardly had time to cover up the rest of the syllabus. I felt I understood the stuff well from the book, so I started reading it so fast that i had completed reading for the 100 marks by 5:30Am. My eyes were pulling very badly. I felt that it if sleep now I would get up very late for the exam. But I could not control my sleep; i just laid down on my bed thinking on the subject I had studied. I started feeling bit of restlessness; I was not getting convinced that I had studied well for the paper. I got up twice to refer back the book to understand some concepts. I could not help but keep thinking about it till early morning 7 AM. I got up and realized that I hardly had 2 hours left for the exam. I got ready but i was getting so damm tensed. I called up my Mom and told her that I am not able to remember any thing and forgetting what ever I had studied. I started crying over the phone. My mom consoled me saying cheer up boy; I know what you are capable of, just go there and write whatever comes to your mind. I hanged the phone and went for the exam.
My tension reduced a bit, after I read the question paper, it was quite straight forward. I started off with the first question which was a theoretical one. Then came the worst that I had never expected. It was a simple program to be written and I started off to answer the question. I just could not recollect what needs to be written after the first 2 lines of the code. Tried so hard to write the other lines of code but just could not. Same thing happened for most of the programmatically in the question paper. As I turned the paper and found one 20 mark question which was to write short notes. I remember writing nearly 8 pages for that question. Just kept on writing whatever came to my mind. I had just put in everything that I had with me. Then tried to come back to programmatically questions and still could not recollect what needs to be written. Oh God!!!i was completely blank. Final bell rang and the most horror movie in which i had starred had ended. I was almost confirmed that I would fail as I had hardly attempted 40 marks and most of it was theory which is difficult to score. Everyone was so happy that just one paper was left over to finish and the paper they had just finished was pretty easy. I still remember everyone cracking jokes and having fun while i was sitting silent and didn’t feel like eating. I came back to my room and lied on my bed with tears in my eyes. I told my roommate of what had happened and he advised me to get out it soon as i had another paper to be given to finish the sem exams. If I don’t concentrate on that exam i would flunk that also i felt. In the evening I just sat down with couple of friends and tried hard to laugh at the jokes that they cracked. But I just could not be normal. Something was pulling me down. I started feeling that whatever I read, will forget.
I remember sitting and writing the C++ book which was the next paper. But i hardly could concentrate on the book. I was not able to look into the book and read it. I was kept on reminding of that horror incident. My friend later came to me and explained me about 40 marks. Rest I just kept on writing the book. I entered the exam thinking i wud flunk this also. Thank god, most of it was theory and I could somehow pull it off normally.
After exams everyone was watching movies in their pcs but i had just started to break myself. Yes, i had started to loose my self confidence. I went for my vacations and hardly spoke to anyone. One day my Mom came to me and said, Son forget it, exams are over. Come with me; let’s go to neighbor’s house. I refused to accompany her. She said, it's ok come you will have a change. I just went there with no interest.
'Namaskar' said an unfamiliar voice. I looked up and gave an authentic smile greeted them in return. That person started, 'I heard so much about u. Your parents have done so much to make you study and you people have responded back well on that, despite so many challenges. I did not know whether I should be happy with whatever had happened in the past or unhappy about the failure in the future. The pressure started mounting on me as to what would these people think if I fail in my semester exams.
In their house I met a very young girl who was still in her 7th std. she was cute girl with a pleasant smile on her face. Her dad proudly said that their daughter had topped the 6th std with more than 90% in a CBSE school. I did not speak to her on that day. But when i had gone there next time her mom told me the difficulties that the girl faced. The fees of the CBSE School was quite high. Thankfully the school has agreed for the fees in installments. The school also had given them the warning twice for not paying the fees regularly. Her dad was a taxi driver. It's hard to get customer in a small town so the only income was pickup and drop of school children in the taxi. Her mom and grandma were running a Kirani shop selling small items. That little girl was aware of all these problems and still studied so well and also taught her younger brother well. It clearly was a live example of what a dedication can do to a person. Amazing she was. I still remember her parents asking me if there is any scholarship scheme available for her. I could not remember any for school going children.
I came back to the college after my vacations and was still in that shock. I could hardly concentrate on any of the activities. I still remember it had its effects even in the football game that I played. Just could not focus on what i was doing. I is to walk back from the field cursing myself as to what the hell was wrong with me? Why is it happening to me only? Day by day things were getting worse. I had started to write the entire book to understand whatever i studied.
Then came the semester results. I was just so scared to look at that. One of my friends came to me and said that even the topper was in 70s. I was completely shocked. In the first year the topper scored over 90%. My heart started beating so fast as i was approaching towards the results board. One friend came to me and said congrats you have scored 67% and went off. I didn’t understand what's happening. I looked at my results in tension and saw that my results read First class. I was relieved a bit and looked at the data structures marks. It read 38 out of 100. Oh God!!! That was one of the happiest moments of my life. One of my friends told me 'Dude Data structure paper correction very strict'. I felt like laughing. I asked him whatz the matter. He replied 'I was expecting over 90 and ended up getting 37'. I asked him to apply for re-evaluation and left.
In the 4th sem exams I somehow pulled it off with so much of struggle. After my 2nd year in hostel, I moved out to stay with my brother. I had 2 best chat friends. I had stopped chatting almost and talked to those 2 friends over phone. I never ever expected that the worst would come in my 5th sem exams. It was 7 days to go for the exams and those were one of the most horrific days of my life. I remember those days I was not able to recollect anything that i had studied the earlier night. I studied entire day thinking I would not remember anything and tried recollecting the same in the night. Hence i hardly slept and felt that my mind was blank again in the next morning. I recall those days when my parents/friends calling me up almost everyday to cheer me up and tried convincing me saying it is just exam fear and nothing to worry. But I was never convinced. I had revised the first paper syllabus thrice and still had no confidence that I would pass. On the night before the exam some weird thoughts started coming to my mind. Yes! I was thinking of running away far from all these. I felt no use in studying anything as I would forget it anyways. I started thinking what I would do if I run away from this. May be take up anything which I feel like doing like music which i loved so much. I feel I was so crazy those days.. he he.. At last i decided, if the next day paper does not go well I would run away.
Then came the day and as I entered the exam hall I was so damm tensed and received the qn paper. As i looked through the paper, I felt I knew most of the things. But to the worst of it, I could not even answer the first question itself. I just sat down with blank mind for the first hour of the exam. Oh god!! it had started happening to me again. After almost an hour with my answer sheet completely blank started off looking at the theory questions. Somehow could manage to answer 60+ marks and came out. I came back to my room and told my brother of the problem that i faced. He was cool and said it is just because you don't sleep at night. I did not realize the importance of his words. Before he went to his bed he asked me to get ready early next morning and he would take me a Guruji who taught him Yoga in his college days and he was here in Bangalore. I said ok.
As usual I was almost awake the entire night and got ready the next morning and set out to meet the Guruji. We boarded the bus and made a transition with a tempo and reached the Ashram at around 11AM. We both went inside and we were asked to wait for sometime as Guruji was in middle of some Pooja. I had carried a book which i kept on reading without understanding anything as i hardly concentrated on it. The place was so beautiful and full of greenery. Then a person walked upto us and informed that we can go and meet the Guruji now. I and my bro sat on the floor. Guruji asked me to come forward and sit. He asked me what is bothering you my son. I told him that whatever i studied i never remembered during the exams the next day. My mind goes blank and I started crying. Guruji said, "Don’t cry. Nothing has happened to you. Why do you fear the failure? What will happen even if you fail? Will the whole world stop functioning? All the people who have failed in exams are not failures in life. I conduct a 10 day workshop every month" and he asked me join for the next month batch. Do not think about the results. Then he instructed a person standing next to him to take us and show the ashram.
That person took us for the lunch first and then showed the school. It was a very beautiful place to learn. He said that 'here we do not believe the Pass and fail system. We expect every person to give in their 100%". It was around 5PM and we planned to leave. We attended a pooja and left the ashram.I felt bit better. I reached the home at 9-30PM and I didn’t know what had happened to me. I started reading the book again from the beginning. I had hardly studied for 20 marks and slept off as i was very tired. I got up in the morning and realized that i had so much to cover. I just opened the computer and started going through the PPT that was used by our lecturer to teach in the class. Went for the exam and wrote whatever came onto my mind and i never felt that my mind was blank.
When I came back to my room and started thinking of what had just happened. Things would actually go well if we do not fear the failure and to sleep before the exam no matter how the worst situation we are in. I just informed my bro of what had happened. He said very calmly. It is common that a person mind goes blank if he/she does not have a proper rest. He was so true.
Guess making of a broken person had begun. I just made it a point to sleep at least for 4 hours. But the experience of a bad incident always keeps reminding of you the past even after you might have come over it successfully. It needs some time to move on. Then came my results and I had done decently well. I felt i was so stupid messing up my life with chatting and then troubling all my friends and family members during my exams. Oh god, thank you so much for having given so many wonderful people around me. They never discouraged when I was broken and supported me morally so well. But anyways as people say whatever happens, happens for good. It had taught me some of the invaluable lessons in my life.
Then came the 6th sem which went off without much trouble. And then came the campus interviews. We planned to start off with IBM and appear for one company before starting off with IBM. It was TCS for me. Appeared for the online first round which I cleared and appeared for the next series rounds. I hardly knew abt the company and was helped by a girl who told me abt the company. We both, I and the girl who had helped had cleared the interview. Wow what a feeling it was. It makes you believe you that you are worth something and makes you feel we are capable of achieving something. Cool ..
In my final semester, we were supposed to make teams for the final year project which i had made with another guy. Then came a rule that no 2 member team. So we sat back and searched for 3 member teams. We got one in the hostel and another from the girl who had helped in the TCS interview. So we both decided that my teamie would join the hostel team and I would join the other.
It was quite difficult as my team was of 3 girls and I was the only guy and I hardly spoke to girls earlier. It took me some time to get adjusted with them and understand them. Later I realized that these girls were actually very sweet and caring. The days were passing very fast. We almost spent one month in just understanding the algorithm that we were implementing. So after discussion we decided that we would implement and would carry out the same at home also. We even had so much of fun and watched movies bunking the classes. Even though we had some obstacles during the course of the implementation of the project, we pulled it off so brilliantly in the end. We were so proud of what we had done. It actually boosted my confidence so much. It was something big which i had been a part of and was very successful. Our hard work had paid off. In the final demo it was decided that I would give the demo while other 3 girls will do the speaking. I always stick onto my opinion that English sounds very sweet in girl’s voice. :)
The project had given a me a bit of self confidence. Someday back I was watching a movie called 'Happy Days'. I remember the last scene in the movie where the hero asks one of the lecturers, ' What have i achieved in the 4 years of my college life. I just feel that i had come 4 days back and college is over. The Lecturer replies back, "college is not a place where you just get a degree, you get to learn the most important lessons of your life which will lay the foundation stones in your life'. He was so true in whatever he said. I had learnt one thing for sure, how to talk to girls... he he he
When i sit back and think a bit on my past. I feel there are so many things that may break a person. But on the way back to making of a man he/she learn the most valuable lessons in life. I had such wonderful people around me who helped when i was in the worst phase of my life. I just wanna thank all those lovely people in my life. I also urge others to do your bit to help a person when in depression instead of demoralizing. It sounds stupid to see a depressed person behaving weird but pls help them out else those people might end up harming their lives.
I end up by saying, making a broken man all again will truly result in finding so much what he/she is capable of in their life. That’s why (Break+Make)Man=A * in U.
Celebrate Life... rock on...